Just as Gwyneth Paltrow revolutionized divorce by coining the term “conscious uncoupling,” America’s newly inaugurated president is revolutionizing lies by dubbing them “alternative facts.” Whatever your political views, you have to admit that this is kind of brilliant. “Yes, I know that there is video footage of me devouring an entire cake, but the alternative facts are that I’m perfectly on track with my diet!”
In celebration of this new era of the truth being whatever we want it to be, I’d like to present some alternative facts about my life.
- I’m still 25. I’ve been 25 for the last five years, and I’ll be celebrating my 25th birthday this June. But I still feel as spry and full of life as an 18-year-old.
- I was the best at school. I didn’t almost flunk key-boarding in middle school because I couldn’t type properly. I have no regrets about skipping classes or procrastinating on major projects resulting in all-nighters. And any rumors about having friends forge notes to get me out of class are due to a biased media.
- I never doubt the merits of my writing, or the fact that I’ve devoted so much of my time to it over the past few months. Because everything I do is perfect.
- I am the best at marriage. There are no downs, only ups. M and I never fight, not even when I’m hungry, tired and stressed—because my temperament is one of my best qualities, especially when I’m under-caffeinated. Also, he and I are both flawless, uncomplicated individuals who came together with no emotional baggage whatsoever.
Seriously, though… someone who can’t accept facts backed by reliable data and photographic evidence certainly shouldn’t be in charge of running a country…