Dependency, and Other Fears

They say, “Be careful what you wish for, because you might get it.”

dependancy and other fears

Singapore sounded like a grand adventure–until I realized that I’ll be there on a dependent visa.  Cue panic attack!  I wasn’t planning to work full-time while living there.  At most, I hoped to work part-time or teach a few lessons a week.  Well, now I know I’ll be forced into living out my fantasy–being a stay at home wife.  However, the timing could not be worse!

First, there’s the wedding.  Our cute, naïvely modest budget flew out the window, then crashed and burned weeks ago.  The wedding isn’t expensive by today’s standards, but it’s costing us significantly more than we hoped it would.  M isn’t concerned–he loves the idea of throwing a big party for us and 150 of our closest friends.  I, on the other hand… I’m freaking out a little.  I’ve been the one handling the logistics of the wedding, and watching the price creep up even as I’m pinching pennies as aggressively as I can.  And I’m basically unemployed, possibly for the next 6 months.  I’m all about spending money on once-in-a-lifetime experiences–money comes and goes, but memories last a lifetime–but… just not this much.  This new, realistic, distinctively un-cute budget is big.  It’s more than I spent on my car.  It’s more than I’ve spent on anything!

Then, there’s the identity thing.  When we meet new people, one of the first questions people ask is “What do you do?”  We define ourselves by our work.  I’ve always had an answer to that question… until now.  Not only am I changing jobs, I may be changing fields.  I don’t know what my next job will be, so I won’t know how to define myself.  Do I define myself by the past I’ve left behind, or by the future that I hope to create?  Which one is less of a lie?

Finally, there’s that fear of failure.  Dreams seem so warm and inviting from far away, but the closer you get, the more daunting and hazardous they seem.  If I’m not working–If I can’t work–a whole world of possibilities opens up.  I could spend all of my time on music, or writing, or anything I want!  There’s nothing to stop me except, well… me.  What if I’m not good enough?  What if I can’t stay disciplined?  What if I am disciplined and try my hardest, and it just falls flat?  I’ll have no excuses, because I’ve been given an opportunity that people would kill for.  I’m not ready for that!

Okay, these are all disgusting “first world problems.”  I get it.  And bit by bit, I’ve been trying to work my way through my anxiety and really make the most of this incredible opportunity that’s been offered to me.

First, I’m trying to find a place of “Wedding Zen.”  As outrageous as it seems (is?) to spend a lot of money on a wedding, most of our expenses are from things we chose to include to make the day more comfortable and enjoyable for our guests.  We want it to be a day of happy memories.  Stressing about money won’t help that.  After all, we’re not going into debt.  M and I are generally frugal people, and we’ll make up the difference!

I’m also trying to reframe my career gap as a positive thing.  Instead of rushing from one career to the next, I’ll have a chance to do a lot of research, take some online classes, and think carefully about what I want my future to look like.  Coursera, here I come!

And lastly, about that gnawing fear and self-doubt… sometimes you just have to go for it!  The well-lived life is a marathon, not a sprint.  Even if I don’t accomplish everything I hope during my time as a stay at home wife, it will give me a good foundation to build on when I’m back to business as usual.

11 thoughts on “Dependency, and Other Fears

  1. Time at home will be as quick as it will be… and once back in the work field… you’ll be missing that time at home… take it from someone who has been working 15 years straight… and only hope for a 5 minute break in life… your marathon starts and ends in success… its the roadblocks that get in the way…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing your perspective! You’re absolutely right–it will go quickly, and years later it will be just a blip. I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to make the absolute best of things, and it often backfires because I’m too busy trying to do what I think I *should* to stop and enjoy the moments as they pass.


  2. One day at a time…today is the only day you are given, the past is gone…the future does not exist yet. Today is all you have. Trust in a higher power that all will work out accordingly! You will find that the universe will line up accordingly!

    I went from being a “big deal” in a promising career to being a “stay at home wife” it’s ok. For me, it allows time to volunteer and give my time freely as I see fit, not an employer depicting how I spend my time. Time is one thing you can never gain more of, no matter how much you spend or save. You are truly blessed to experience this in life at such a young age. Many would fight to have the life of opportunity you have been granted! Embrace it and run with it! You got this girl!! You’re about to embark on a journey of a life time!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement! I have a ridiculous ability to take something good and twist it into something to worry about! I think that taking a deep breath and just trusting that things will be okay is a much healthier place to start!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Honestly it blows my mind how much your story sounds like mine. I lost my job just a few short months before my wedding and -like you – was freaking out about the ever-rising cost. Just know that you will get through it, and when you have a challenge, your solution will be much more creative than if everything came easy.

    As for your identity crisis – I am reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic, and all of your questions are sounding very relevant. You may want to check it out if you have the time! I think you may find some valuable insights on there – I know I am!

    Liked by 1 person

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