In the Details

As I was trying to come  up with a name for this blog, I turned to e. e. cummings for inspiration.  One quote that struck me was the following:

The three saddest things are the ill wanting to be well, the poor wanting to be rich, and the constant traveler saying ‘anywhere but here.’

That’s me! I thought, I’m the constant traveler!

I have a history of running from things, and of always searching, hoping there must be something more out there.  For this reason, it was so striking to me when I first met my fiancé, M, and thought, I’m done searching… but that’s something else entirely!  More commonly, I live in a constant state of dissatisfaction, frustration and yearning.  (Pathetic, I know!)

Long story short, I found a quote that perfectly and succinctly described the core of my life–and probably the reason I felt compelled to write in the first place.  However, I ultimately rejected “constant traveler” as a blog name.  It was just too sad!  I don’t want to define myself by my endless fruitless searches.  I don’t want my stuckness to represent a core part of my identity.  I want to be more positive

And so, today, I’m not going to say “anywhere but here!”  There are many, many things I like about where I am in my life.  It’s the details of my life that need editing.  I believe that if I could identify the right things that need to shift, I could make a significant improvement in my life!

With that, I bring you today’s list:

Things I Need to Change

• My sleeping schedule.  Because of our work schedules, I get up much earlier than M, even though we go to bed at the same time.  The result: chronic sleep deprivation!
• My TV habit. I’ve wasted too much of my life in a fog in front of whichever show I’ve decided to escape into.  It’s not productive.
• Work.  My job is moderately demanding, but I always feel guilty for not doing more, and I’m always yearning for a life with less pressure.  I honestly don’t know what else I would do.  I need to either bite the bullet and work hard enough to feel proud of my work, or get out.
• My sloppiness.  My morning routine from bed to door takes 20 minutes.  I never look put together, but I would like to someday.
• My practice habits.  I don’t practice enough.  Sometimes it’s lack of time, sometimes lack of energy, sometimes lack of motivation… but I need to be consistent and push myself.
• My cleaning habits.  Dirty dishes and clutter.  Living in this way makes me feel like a mess!  But in the moment, I never seem to care enough to take care of it consistently.
• Being inattentive.  M and I have so little time together during the week that I really need to make an effort to make that time count!
• Lack of exercise. Speaks for itself.

I could probably continue this list indefinitely, but it wouldn’t be productive.  There are so many things that I would change if I could do it easily and instantly, but I know that change isn’t easy.  These are the essentials.  These are the things that I will be working on as I continue to write.