As I was trying to come up with a name for this blog, I turned to e. e. cummings for inspiration. One quote that struck me was the following:
The three saddest things are the ill wanting to be well, the poor wanting to be rich, and the constant traveler saying ‘anywhere but here.’
That’s me! I thought, I’m the constant traveler!
I have a history of running from things, and of always searching, hoping there must be something more out there. For this reason, it was so striking to me when I first met my fiancé, M, and thought, I’m done searching… but that’s something else entirely! More commonly, I live in a constant state of dissatisfaction, frustration and yearning. (Pathetic, I know!)
Long story short, I found a quote that perfectly and succinctly described the core of my life–and probably the reason I felt compelled to write in the first place. However, I ultimately rejected “constant traveler” as a blog name. It was just too sad! I don’t want to define myself by my endless fruitless searches. I don’t want my stuckness to represent a core part of my identity. I want to be more positive
And so, today, I’m not going to say “anywhere but here!” There are many, many things I like about where I am in my life. It’s the details of my life that need editing. I believe that if I could identify the right things that need to shift, I could make a significant improvement in my life!
With that, I bring you today’s list:
Things I Need to Change
- My sleeping schedule. Because of our work schedules, I get up much earlier than M, even though we go to bed at the same time. The result: chronic sleep deprivation!
- My TV habit. I’ve wasted too much of my life in a fog in front of whichever show I’ve decided to escape into. It’s not productive.
- Work. My job is moderately demanding, but I always feel guilty for not doing more, and I’m always yearning for a life with less pressure. I honestly don’t know what else I would do. I need to either bite the bullet and work hard enough to feel proud of my work, or get out.
- My sloppiness. My morning routine from bed to door takes 20 minutes. I never look put together, but I would like to someday.
- My practice habits. I don’t practice enough. Sometimes it’s lack of time, sometimes lack of energy, sometimes lack of motivation… but I need to be consistent and push myself.
- My cleaning habits. Dirty dishes and clutter. Living in this way makes me feel like a mess! But in the moment, I never seem to care enough to take care of it consistently.
- Being inattentive. M and I have so little time together during the week that I really need to make an effort to make that time count!
- Lack of exercise. Speaks for itself.
I could probably continue this list indefinitely, but it wouldn’t be productive. There are so many things that I would change if I could do it easily and instantly, but I know that change isn’t easy. These are the essentials. These are the things that I will be working on as I continue to write.