In the Details

As I was trying to come  up with a name for this blog, I turned to e. e. cummings for inspiration.  One quote that struck me was the following:

The three saddest things are the ill wanting to be well, the poor wanting to be rich, and the constant traveler saying ‘anywhere but here.’

That’s me! I thought, I’m the constant traveler!

I have a history of running from things, and of always searching, hoping there must be something more out there.  For this reason, it was so striking to me when I first met my fiancé, M, and thought, I’m done searching… but that’s something else entirely!  More commonly, I live in a constant state of dissatisfaction, frustration and yearning.  (Pathetic, I know!)

Long story short, I found a quote that perfectly and succinctly described the core of my life–and probably the reason I felt compelled to write in the first place.  However, I ultimately rejected “constant traveler” as a blog name.  It was just too sad!  I don’t want to define myself by my endless fruitless searches.  I don’t want my stuckness to represent a core part of my identity.  I want to be more positive

And so, today, I’m not going to say “anywhere but here!”  There are many, many things I like about where I am in my life.  It’s the details of my life that need editing.  I believe that if I could identify the right things that need to shift, I could make a significant improvement in my life!

With that, I bring you today’s list:

Things I Need to Change

  • My sleeping schedule.  Because of our work schedules, I get up much earlier than M, even though we go to bed at the same time.  The result: chronic sleep deprivation!
  • My TV habit. I’ve wasted too much of my life in a fog in front of whichever show I’ve decided to escape into.  It’s not productive.
  • Work.  My job is moderately demanding, but I always feel guilty for not doing more, and I’m always yearning for a life with less pressure.  I honestly don’t know what else I would do.  I need to either bite the bullet and work hard enough to feel proud of my work, or get out.
  • My sloppiness.  My morning routine from bed to door takes 20 minutes.  I never look put together, but I would like to someday.
  • My practice habits.  I don’t practice enough.  Sometimes it’s lack of time, sometimes lack of energy, sometimes lack of motivation… but I need to be consistent and push myself.
  • My cleaning habits.  Dirty dishes and clutter.  Living in this way makes me feel like a mess!  But in the moment, I never seem to care enough to take care of it consistently.
  • Being inattentive.  M and I have so little time together during the week that I really need to make an effort to make that time count!
  • Lack of exercise. Speaks for itself.

I could probably continue this list indefinitely, but it wouldn’t be productive.  There are so many things that I would change if I could do it easily and instantly, but I know that change isn’t easy.  These are the essentials.  These are the things that I will be working on as I continue to write.

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2 thoughts on “In the Details

  1. Addie! YOUR writing is beautiful. I, too, hoard old journals (and all the notes that were passed to me in the hallways of my junior high years–https://thesyntaxofthingsblog.wordpress.com/2016/04/21/old-journals/). I’ll be looking to your blog for inspiration to keep blogging. You have such a lovely layout…thanks! p.s. I once only wrote in lowercase because I was so inspired by e. e. cummings.

    Liked by 1 person

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